'Ambition' And Other Dirty Words

So, I am grateful for the meager/minor successes that I've achieved in my musical career. Look, I'll probably never play Madison Square Garden. I get that. But, the desire for more/greater success -- the ambition -- is a driving factor for me. Always has been.

But there's another side of that -- the other thing that fuels my need for more. My failures. And oh, there have been plenty of them. To make matters worse, I'm often confronted with them, for various reasons. It's akin to running into an ex that you don't get along with way more often than you ever thought you would. It also makes me question my own abilities -- am I good enough? Do I think I'm better than I actually am? The belief that I was great got me through the years when I thought I was far better than I actually was. And for that, I can't roll my eyes hard enough. As an adult, I realize what a stupid cocky kid I was, but at the same time, that unwavering belief in my ability (real or not) got me far.

Suffice to say that what I'm doing is simply not enough. 

I need to get it to the next level. Hey, I'm human, and although I'm glad that friends of mine are more successful/have better gigs/make more money than me, it can be difficult to accept that I'm not at that level. Hey, I'm human, I'm not immune to being (ocasionally) slightly envious.

Someone said to me the other day, "Hey -- you're living the dream!", but the dream is bigger than what I'm living. Right or wrong, I can't help but dream a little bigger every day.